Joy comes through Mourning

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Over my 37 years of live I have experienced several losses. Some small and many great. It never gets easier. When I was a small child, I remember my mom mourning the loss of her great grandfather. I knew the man, but the loss didn’t feel so personal as I was much too young to understand it all. Fast forward a few years, my parents divorced. This was a huge loss. I would soon move and not see my dad very often. A new man entered and my mom was pregnant again. This was something I had to mourn as I lost my “baby of the family” status. I probably acted out as I didn’t have the maturity to know how to mourn that loss in a healthy way.

When I was 17, my mother died in a car wreck. This would be the start of some pretty big losses. I didn’t really handle that loss well either. I pretended all was great, but it hurt to the core. 6 months after she passed, my brother was in the bad car wreck that left him in a coma on life support. It was months before he was awake and we knew he would live. He is not the same today as he suffered brain damage.

A few years later, hubby and I got married and wanted to start a family. After a year of trying, we started the infertility journey. That was another loss that I didn’t expect. We tried everything from IUI to IVF. Our first IVF didn’t work at all. Our 2nd one ended in miscarriage. I took that loss pretty hard. We tried one more time and that third IVF worked.

We had a great five years following and had two more kiddos…for a total of 3 in four years. Life was busy and perfect…or so I thought. That’s when the next huge loss came….hubby had an emotional affair and lost his job. Did I mention that we were a one family income? This was so devastating.

We sold our house and moved to start over in Texas. This is where we started to experience joy through our mourning. We found a church that didn’t allow “perfect people” and knew it was perfect for us. We had never experienced a place where we could be fully who we are…flaws and all. Our marriage was hurting and this place would soon be where we would find healing.

I lost both of my great grand parents after moving to Texas. That was a huge blow but I was so thankful for the few months that we had with them and the short drive to be able to spend time with them. (Before was 6 hours, now just 3!)

In 2015, we adopted our son. We would have never added him to our family if our marriage hadn’t been restored. (I am happy to tell you all about ReEngage and how God used that ministry to change us from the inside out!)

I have found that in each loss, I have learned to find joy. When my mom passed, I learned to not take each day for granted. When my brother had his accident, I learned that family is so important. When we experienced infertility, I learned that easy is not always the path. I also learned that my heart couldĀ beat outside of my body…and this would be the start of parenthood. When my hubby lost his job, I discovered the depth of God’s love for me. He allowed me to be angry and loved me through it. With the loss of my great grandparents, I learned the legacy they left would never leave. It was my job to keep it going and to pass that blessing to my kids, grand kids, great grand kids and great great grandkids.

Many of my losses couldn’t be foreseen, well not by me anyways. God always knew. He has grown my heart in leaps in bounds. I don’t understand why people have to experience loss but it’s part of life. I am thankful for each loss that I have endured as it has made me a more loving, compassionate person. I love bigger, I dream bigger, and I live bigger because of it!

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